An Ode to Cedar Trees (Not)

An ode? Are you kidding me? You, Cedar Trees, have not earned an ode. You are jerks, and I’ve had about enough of your Cedar Fever. Why do we even encourage you by giving the you-induced sniffles a catchy name?

I’d call for your complete eradication, but I imagine that wouldn’t get a lot of traction around here. I need to do some homework to confirm this, but I think I once heard that you are a non-native, invasive, water-sucking parasite. In that case, Cedar Trees, you must have very powerful friends or you are home to some endangered gnat, because I’m hard pressed to find any other redeeming qualities that would send people to bat for you. You’re not even pretty. Oh, I said it. And I meant it.

So no ode for you, Cedar Trees. For you, a poetry slam. As in I’m slamming you. Get it? You don’t get it, trees. You’re too stupid.

Die, Cedar Trees

Cedar trees, you suck.
And I blow.
My nose, you perverts.
Please just go.

Cedar trees, just stop.
Trollops, you.
Spreading your… pollen.
Get a room.

Cedar trees, please die.
We hate you.
I hurt your feelings?
Well, f… ahhh-choo!

19 Comments

  1. LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAACHOOOOO!!!!!!!!

  2. Very funny! I think I saw you talking about this on Twitter today!

  3. Ha. Ha. HA! Oh, how I needed to laugh out loud like that!

    How poetic :) So glad your back!

  4. Save a nose, kill a cedar…
    Should be on a shirt…no?
    Feel better soon :(

  5. Oh, how I adore you. My husband, who likes to sleep without being awakened by my chortles, may not. I love your poetry slam, though, and it was worth the look I just got!

  6. We need to get rid of cedar trees and bring back the word trollop.

    Immediately.

  7. Oh, this made me laugh :-)

  8. I like to say I am allergic to the “outside.”

  9. Hi Missy! I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting you in person yet, but I look forward to the opportunity! This was very funny, and although I am not yet afflicted (knocking on wood) by Cedar Fever, I am allergic to just about everything else in the world. :-)

    • We definitely need to meet. I think we were both at PBS yesterday, but it was crazy.

      I hope you can avoid the cedar. It’s a nightmare. Some people just get lucky, so I will keep my fingers crossed that you’re one of those!

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