Erma By The Numbers

At an obnoxious hour last Thursday morning I boarded a plane for the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop in Dayton, OH. I was confident that a good experience waited for me, but I had no idea.

I’m not ready to snap out of the post-workshop after glow just yet. One day soon I’ll share with you some of the deep, meaningful, and hilarious things I took away from four days with Erma and Friends. For now, though, let’s stick to the numbers.

*

64 – Number of hours I wore Grown Up Clothes.

I work at home. At the most, I wear a real bra and business casual clothes six hours a day, one day a week. I didn’t wear yoga pants, flip flops, or running shoes for four days.

The last night, 16-plus hours after getting dressed in the morning, even my bra was over it. While workshop attendees performed standup, my bra unhooked itself. There are only two reasons your undergarments remove themselves: either they find you repulsive after so many hours between showers, or Ryan Gosling just walked in the room.

2 – Number of new Pocket People (I will explain).

Mark and I have a long-running… I don’t know what to call it. It’s just a thing. When we come across an outrageously adorable person, we say they are, “so cute, we just want to put him/her in our pocket.” Current Pocket People include, but are not limited to, Tommy Silva (This Old House), Seth Cohen (of The O.C.), and Ray (from our grocery store).

My new additions? Erma’s husband, Bill Bombeck; and Ilene Beckerman. Dear God, these people are wonderful.

Honestly, all of the keynote speakers were fantastic. I’d be happy to put any of them in my pocket.

5 – Number of times I cried, minimum.

Every time a member of Erma’s family – biological or chosen – read one of her pieces, I wept. Seeing her legacy represented in such a personal way was stunning. That is the power of words well written, of love well documented.

1 – Number of times I feared for my life.

Lesson learned: When the hotel staff at the overflow hotel points you in the general direction of campus and shrugs a “you could walk,” get another opinion. You cannot walk from downtown Dayton to the Marriott near the University of Dayton. Physically, sure. Emotionally, not so much. If you ever register late and the workshop hotel is already booked, please, for the love of Erma, take the shuttle. Do not walk. In case you’re still thinking you don’t need the shuttle, I have a subset of numbers for you here.

3 – Junkies we passed on our way.
1 – Person providing me with hilarious, distracting conversation on this walk of doom. Also, it’s nice to have your own big-city-raised Russian immigrant at a time like this; she assured me that our walk had nothing on the streets of San Fran.
2 – Gas station attendants who openly laughed when we asked to call a cab, saying, “You could call a cab, but sometimes they don’t come.”
6 – Layers of clothes and foundation garments (combined, dummy, neither one of was wearing 6 layers) drenched in sweat by the time we reached that Marriott ballroom.

4 – Number of pounds [my suitcase] gained.

I’m paranoid about surpassing the baggage weight limit, and having to remove my hairdryer or Oxford English Dictionary at check-in. I closely watch that scale at the baggage counter, and I don’t breathe easy until I see a number under 50. Because of this, I know my bag gained four pounds while we were at Erma.

I ate an absurd number of white dinner rolls and lots of cake while at the workshop. And I am thankful that I did not have to stand on the scale at the airport.

1ish – Number of criminal acts.

I lifted my roommate’s Logitech iPad keyboard. An utterly senseless crime, since I have one exactly like it. In court I will make the argument that I thought it was mine, and as it was four – in the morning – and I was packing after fewer than three hours of sleep, it’s an honest mistake. I am sure no jury of my peers will convict me.

In all fairness, she stole my jacket. Oh okay, I accidentally left it hanging in the closet. See: packing at 4 a.m.

15 – Number of hours I slept in three nights, max.

It was worth every sleep-deprived minute.

Unknown Numbers – The times I laughed and the friends I made.

I’m not naming names here. I live in fear of inadvertently leaving off a name, just as I inadvertently skipped out on my bar tab Friday night. I will pay you back, nice people I just met before I did the Drink and Dash.

But I did meet fabulous people. And I did laugh, often until I cried. So I guess I should change that number up there for “Times I Cried” to unknown, as well.

*

There’s no good way to say thank you to all of the people involved in pulling together the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop. If I had to quantify my appreciation, it would require a number higher than my English major brain can safely handle. So, simply, thanks to all of you.

And Erma, to you most of all.

17 Comments

  1. It was totally amazing, wasn’t it?!?

    Wow.

    (I think I had more criminal acts, but we’ll, ah, just leave it at that.)

    :-) Anna
    Anna Lefler´s last [type] ..In Which I Sprain My Dominant Boob

    • Dayton is the new Vegas (they’re so similar, it’s amazing that comparison has never been made before). Nobody needs to know what happens there.

      Your session was fantastic – I thought I had things fairly under control from a voice perspective, but now I am inspired to take a closer look. I enjoyed meeting you, too, even if it was from across the dinner table in a noisy ballroom.

  2. I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with you. Also, you have an amazing bra. You should teach it to cook.
    Momo Fali´s last [type] ..Giggle, Don’t Grieve

    • I loved spending time with you, too! Between BlogHer Writers and this one, I think this is my takeaway: conferences are better with Momo. So from now on, you have to attend everything I do. Good?

      Your wrap up post is amazing – I had commenting issues, but I’ll come back and keep trying. I think it was something on my end (crotchety computer).

  3. I still feel actually high from EBWW.

    Actually lightheaded high.

    It was fantastic: so much wonderfulness.

    So great. The speakers, the presenters, the words.

    My people.

    So wonderful.

    Glad you were there to be a part of it, M.

    It was lovely to meet you.

    And can I use the word wonderful one more time?

    • So nice to meet you, too! I know what you mean about the high… It’s Wednesday and I’m just about back to the real world. Not quite, but almost…

  4. I love that I can hear the giddiness in your words. I’m insanely jealous and cannot wait to hear more. xoxo
    Amy ~ Eat. Live. Laugh. Shop.´s last [type] ..A bit of a rant. Forgive me.

  5. But we hugged and laughed – and yes, cried, omgawsh the crying at a humor conference – what was with that?
    How I loved to see you and look forward to the next – more planning is required because they keep you busy at these things, probably to avoid criminal acts ;)
    By Word of Mouth Musings´s last [type] ..Infertility is a disease.

    • I couldn’t believe how non-stop it was – I was glazed over by the end, in a good way, of course!

      Loved seeing you. And I may never get over how gorgeous your hair is OR how it gets that way! :-)

  6. Can I get on the short list to be your roommate at EBWW 2014? I feel we have way too much in common not to be bffs. (I walked the first day too…sheesh…). Am enjoying your blog. A lot.

    • Where did you stay, Susanna? We had to laugh so hard at the shuttle driver’s face later that night when we told him we had walked. He said, “Do not ever do that again!” In hindsight, it’s really funny, but at the time…

      Can’t wait to see you in 2014!

  7. Color me ignorant, or penised, but what’s the difference between a bra & a real bra?

    It sounds like a wonderful trip — but, damn, that walk sounds like a bad time. I remember seeing “the strip” while in Vegas at Fremont Street and thinking I could walk it. And I could . . . but it was miles. And I’m a big guy that people tend to avoid, but I was still scared – and it was in the middle of the day.
    John´s last [type] ..Where I relax and just type what crosses my mind

  8. I didn’t think I could love you more and then I saw that you travel with your Oxford English Dictionary.

    So now I want to marry you.
    (Or at least meet you at EBWW 2014 for real.)

    Fingers crossed…
    julie gardner´s last [type] ..Today call me bad

  9. Oh I love it! How clever to do it by the numbers. Yes, the crying, oh dear Lord, the crying mixed with the laughing. WORD. (I obviously don’t travel with an Oxford Dictionary, but the fact that you do makes you even more of a pocket person.) So nice to meet you!
    Leslie/Iris´s last [type] ..A Few Good Vaginas

  10. I’m so there in 2014. If I can’t get a sponsor. Because $375 – yikes! But oh, how it would be worth it. :)
    Kristin @ What She Said´s last [type] ..Febrile Seizures: What Every Parent Needs to Know

  11. Oh you had me laughing (and I’m sure you weren’t) at the walk.

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