I Blew It (And I’m Sad)
I’ve been trying to walk the line between writing honest posts and not getting too bare-my-soul, cry-on-your-shoulder, share-way-too-much-personal-information. Also, I like hyphenating things.
Anyway, I always enjoy reading blog posts that I know come from the heart without being too mushy, too sappy, too woe-is-me, too c. 1972 “I’m OK, You’re OK.”
Do you know what I’m getting at here? Real without being creepy or weepy.
So I already know this post is going to cross a few of the boundaries I set for myself when I started Wonder, Friend. That’s okay. I’ve been spending some time, Stuart Smalley style, self-talking my way into this.
July sucked, people. It sucked. Not all of it, but enough of it that I woke up on August 1 and thought, Shit. I’m tired. I’m emotionally drained. (One non-sucking thing was that my niece was born. That was good all the way around. Babies always win, even in a sucky month).
I started the month by making a huge mistake. Huge. I hurt someone close to me, who is important to me and to my family. My words hurt this person. I can never take that moment back, the moment when I chose to let emotion and exhaustion rule my brain. I regret it so much I can’t put it in words.
We’re working on getting back to normal, but for about half of July my stomach was permanently knotted. Oddly, this didn’t curb my eating one bit. God, what I wouldn’t give to be one of those people who stops eating when upset. I would be so skinny right now!
Anyone who flaps her lips (and fingers) as much as I do can probably count on eventually saying the wrong thing. It’s likely I’ve done this more than once without even realizing it (to anyone I’ve pissed off before: my sincerest apologies. Really, I am sorry. I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings.). This time, however, yikes. I really did it. I did a big thing, badly. Full disclosure – I stole that line and modified the usage a bit. It’s one of my all-time favorites, from one of my all-time favorites.
That fractured relationship marked the beginning of awareness month. During this same month I became aware that a couple other relationships have failed. Maybe because of me, maybe not. I honestly don’t know. But this new awareness has me feeling raw. I never claimed to be the best relationship builder/keeper. I guess I stupidly thought things always worked out they way they were supposed to. Now I know that due to some of my shortcomings, I screwed up a friendship or two. I feel like an idiot.
I’m aware now that I have no idea how to make and keep friends as an adult. I’m also now aware that I’m a whole lot more sensitive than I ever wanted to admit. I get my feelings hurt way too easily (one of several reasons that I find Facebook so toxic). To borrow an illustration from our pastor’s wife, I’m an eggshell person. People’s words and actions crack my delicate shell, and my hurt oozes out, making a nasty, salmonella-infested mess. Even worse, I’m an eggshell person who doesn’t (didn’t) know she’s an eggshell person. I’ve got yolk oozing everywhere and I’m in denial. On the upside, I’m a grass-fed, free range, antibiotic- and hormone-free egg.
There’s a lot of stuff I’m trying to improve upon. For one, growing a thicker skin. And for another, healing the relationships that are not beyond repair. These are just part of my improvement plan. You can expect to see some Wonder, Friend posts in coming days and weeks about changes I’m implementing in the following areas, in no particular order:
- Eating (Making good choices, that is. I have the act of eating mastered, baby.)
- Wifing (according to Urban Dictionary this word means to “make one’s number one girl your wife”; I am adding an alternate definition: the art of being a good wife.)
- Sleeping (I know HOW to do this, I just don’t do enough of it.)
Have you ever royally screwed up a relationship? Did you rebuild it? How? HOW???