The Search

I watched you search.

In turns, you tried different tactics.

You stood in one place, glancing in all directions, unable to decide where to go.

You ran frantically without pausing to watch where you were going.

You set your sights on an object and walked purposely.

You walked tentatively, knowing where you wanted to go even though you weren’t sure if it was the right direction.

I watched you find.

Most of the time you cheered, holding up your prize to show it off.

Sometimes you were reckless, taking quickly without examining your spoils.

Once, your face showed disappointment. What you found was not what you hoped for.

At times you were surprised by the outcome, but still pleased.

My heart soared.

I watched you search and felt joy.

Later, my stomach lurched.

This time, the stakes were low. The prize was eggs.

Some filled with your favorite candy; some filled with licorice jelly beans.

A couple had money in them, but even the cash-poor eggs were rich.

One day, the stakes… Well, they’ll be so much more.

The prize will be a place on the team. Or not.

The prize will be a first-choice college admission. Or not.

The prize will be a dream job. Or not.

The prize will be the girl you thought was The One. Or not.

I know you have to search in order to find the prizes.

To find yourself.

To find your place.

To find your peace.

To find your salvation.

That’s what yesterday was about, after all. Salvation. You are still accepting, unblemished. You still understand with a pureness of heart, an absence of ulterior motive.

I ache for what’s ahead.

Maybe you’ll never face a crisis, one in which all you ever believed is shattered. Maybe you’ll never look at the search before you and feel completely alone.

But I know better.

So I ache, because you are human. It is your nature to question. It is the world’s nature to disappoint and confuse.

And then I rejoice.

I rejoice, because I have faith. I have faith that at the end of your search, you will find your prize.

It’s been here all along, after all.

H, searching for his prize. "Chocolate, Mommy! Two chocolates!"

P, with success. "Egg! More egg!"

I wonder…

:: Do you ever stop short at the realization that your kids have to figure out life for themselves?

:: What’s the best treasure you ever found in an Easter Egg?

10 Comments

  1. What a beautiful post, Missy! It brought a tear to my eye!
    Amy ~ Eat. Live. Laugh. Shop.´s last [type] ..They arise and call her busy

  2. I don’t know what you did during your sabbatical, but you are back with a vengeance woman!
    liz´s last [type] ..Ninjas- Trikes and a Fat Bastard

  3. Lovely post Missy. Full of emotion.

  4. Ugh. That is a hard revelation. I start remembering (or at least try to) what it was like at their age. So many choices and so much frustration that lies ahead. Nice post.

  5. this is what I struggle with every day. Really well written, Missy!!! xoxo
    gigi´s last [type] ..Parenting- A Lowering of Standards

  6. Missy…love this post! I just wrote something kinda-sorta-but-not-really-similar to this for later this week as a guest post! When I read yours, it took my breath away.
    Natalie´s last [type] ..Reason 518 Why I Hate Snakes

  7. Ok, you just made me well up with tears.

    Wow.
    blueviolet @ A Nut in a Nutshell´s last [type] ..My First Puff

  8. Amy B. /

    This is really beautiful. Brought tears to my eyes! I plan to share w/ friends… See you soon.

  9. Love the analogy to a greater search in life. So true – we need to let the kids learn for themselves and find the prizes – and disappointments – on their own. Great post.

  10. Wow this was great, love it!
    Tina @ Life Without Pink´s last [type] ..The Day I Became A Mother

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