Will I Ever Get Used to This Body?
Whew. Spring Break is over and it’s back to real life. I am dragging this week, and I don’t know if it’s due to the return of our school schedule, or because of the time change last week, or if it’s merely laziness. I keep having dreams where I forget important events and tasks. Do I owe you a phone call, a lunch date, money? Don’t be shy – remind me that I’m delinquent. Unless I owe you money. I will conveniently continue to forget that I owe you real, US currency until you give up and accept this handy coupon book of Useless Tasks Missy Will Never Actually Complete plus a few car wash tokens I found in under the front seat.
Thank goodness for Wednesdays and guest bloggers. Instead of me forgetting I have a blog this week, you get this amazing post from one of my Austin Bloggers friends, Evin, the owner of Food Good, Laundry Bad. If what you see in the mirror doesn’t match what you see in your mind, this post is for you. In fact, if you’ve ever had to wrap your head around any kind of new normal, whether your body, your career, your life in general, this post will resonate.
From the time I hit puberty until I was 27, I was fat, overweight, chubby, obese.
I stopped getting on the scale around 22, and I was right at 250 pounds then. June 1, 2006, I had gastric bypass surgery. The day I had the surgery, I had to step onto a scale and actually look at the numbers. I was 356 pounds. That’s the same weight as 2 adult males.
I hated my body and just knew that everything wrong in my life was because of “the fat.”
If I could just lose “the fat,” my life would turn around. Every bad grade in school was because the teacher didn’t like me because I was fat, not because I hadn’t studied. Every job I didn’t get was because the employer didn’t want to hire a fat person, not because I was poorly qualified for the job. Every date I didn’t go on was because I was so fat, not because I was socially awkward and goofy.
So I had the gastric bypass, KNOWING that it would be a magical event that would change my life. I’d get the best job, finish school, find a husband, and live happily ever after. Right? RIGHT? Wrong.
“Fat” in our society is more than a physical description. It’s a way of life. A mindset. I still have a fat brain. I turn sideways to get through narrow-ish spaces, even though my now-slim body will fit through it just fine. I still head to the plus size section of the clothing stores and pick out tunic tops. I have sex with most of my clothes on, and the lights off. I never assume that the cute guy is looking at me, he must be looking at my friend.
So I wonder… will I ever get used to this?
I’m 34, and I have three kids. I want my kids to know a happy, active, regular-brained mom. I worry about going to the park because what if I get tired? I have tons of energy (compared to before… I’m 34 and have three kids, I’m pretty much worn out all the time) so I can “do” the park without a problem, physically. That shouldn’t even occur to me! It’s six years later and while I know what to eat and how to physically take care of the tool the bypass gave me, I don’t know how to reprogram my fat brain. I still don’t have the degree, the job, or the husband. Losing “the fat” didn’t help anything. I still have the fat brain and it’s holding me back.
I wonder if I’ll have to be thin as long as I was fat before my brain will adjust? I hope not, I was fat for a very long time and that would make me a very old lady. I hope my brain catches up soon, that’s for sure. I’m ready to believe that I’m as cute as people say I am, and to think as healthy as I feel.
:: Does anyone else’s brain works this way?
About the Writer
Evin is a stay-at-home-mom of three kids shacked up in the country, laughing her way through piles of laundry taller than her children. She writes about food, family and failing at housework at her blog Food Good, Laundry Bad, and you can find her snarking it up on Twitter at @evinschmevin.